She stared at me until she fell asleep. I think her name was Melanie. I avoided making eye contact with her as much as I possibly could out of fear she would try to strike up a conversation with me. I wanted her to leave, but at three in the morning, I wouldn't trust anybody on the street with someone as attractive as her roaming around. Plus, she was tired. I just let her rest, and hoped that she would leave before I woke up. I met her at my friend Eli's birthday party. It was my last night in town, and Eli claimed I seemed down.
"What'd'ya mean?" I had asked him.
He sighed before he chuckled, "I know why you came back," he said. "And I'm sorry you couldn't find her."
"Find who?" I asked, fully aware of who he was referring to. He watched me until I looked away and took a sip of beer. It had a bad taste on the way down.
"Look," he said, "I know you. And you're bummed. And I know why. As soon as you hopped in my car, you asked if I had heard from Andrea. And you've asked about her at least once a day since you've been here. You're leaving tomorrow, kid," he patted my back in what I supposed to be some form of comfort. "You need to have some fun."
I took another swig and chuckled. "Thanks for the concern, but I'm fine."
"That's great and all," he said, "but it's too late for that. I already told that pretty girl over there you needed some cheering up." He pointed to a brown haired girl in a red and black dress across the room. She was already looking in our direction, and smirked when we looked back.
I looked at Eli, half grateful and half annoyed. "You're kidding."
"Not a bit, my friend," he said. "Go have some fun on your last night." He walked away before I had any time to object. I rolled my eyes before meeting the brown haired girl halfway to the other side of the room.
"Hi," she smiled, "I'm Melanie," I assumed she said.
"Chris," I said, extending my hand to shake hers. "Nice meeting you."
"You from around here?" she asked, moving in closer. I could smell the beer on her breath.
"Nah, I'm actually visiting from New York," I said.
"Oh," she said. "Well, I live across the hall. You should visit more often." She actually batted her eyelashes at me.
I laughed, "I would if I could, because everyone I know is here. But I only come visit for my job."
"Oh, what do you do?"
"Photography. I work for a magazine in New York, and we had a shoot here in Chicago."
"That's cool," she said.
"Yeah." After an awkward pause, I took my last swig of beer.
"You wanna go back to my place?" she asked.
"I don't know if I should, I leave tomorrow."
"Oh, well then, we should go to wherever you're staying." I looked at her, ready to decline her offer, but she looked like she wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Alright," I said. My hotel is up the street, can you walk it?"
"Oh, sure. If I get tired, you can just carry me," she winked.
Oh, Christ. I gave a phony chuckle.
She wasn't completely wasted, but she was a little loud on the trip to the hotel. As soon as we got in the door, she jumped in my arms and started kissing me. What happened after that was a blur. All I remembered was skin and heat. When it was all over, she rolled over and said "Thanks for a good time." I pulled my jeans on, got up and walked to the balcony to have a smoke. She watched me stand there until she fell asleep. When I heard her soft, deep breaths, I turned around and watched her. She slept on top of the covers, completely naked, her long dark hair falling over her face and shoulders. She was strikingly beautiful; I couldn't help but stare. The way she was laid out on the bed put her at an angle that made her look like a painting. The streetlights shone on her body and emphasized her curvature. The soft light from the bathroom outlined her facial features.
I put out my cigarette and walked back into the room. I sat in a chair and I watched her. She meant nothing to me, but I just wanted time to stand still for a while, for me to just observe how beautiful she was. I grabbed my camera. I decided I would add her to my personal project that I was working on. It helped that I wouldn't remember her name the next time I saw the pictures. Her arm fell perfectly over her soft breasts and her leg was raised so that her hip curved out more than it already did. Her dress was slung carelessly over the nightstand. I decided I would paint my favorite shot of her when I got back to my loft in New York.
I placed the camera back on the small table when I was finished. I walked back to the balcony and lit another cigarette, when I heard a soft buzz from the floor. I thought it was her phone; my phone was in my pants pocket so I assumed I would feel the vibration in my pocket. I placed a hand on my leg and didn't feel the familiar bulge. I looked toward the spot on the floor where my pants had been, and I spotted my phone, the screen lit. It buzzed three more times before I could get to it.
The name and the picture that came up on my screen made my entire body freeze. I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone. I just stared at the picture that I took of me and Andrea at Navy Pier, and watched the blinking white letters shout "Andy" at me. The phone finally stopped buzzing, and I saw that I had three missed calls. I heaved a breathy sigh when I saw that all three calls were from her. I listened to the short voicemail she left me, saying that she heard I was in town, and that she was wondering if she could see me before I left. I slumped to the floor, a flood of confusing, contradictory emotions running through me. Before I could call her back, she texted me and apologized for waiting so long to find me. In that moment, I considered screwing up everything I had in order just to go back out and find her. In that moment, I told myself fuck the flight, fuck New York. You can find a new apartment here. Go get her. But that was the reason I was in New York in the first place; I told myself to go get her, and I fucked up. So I had to start over, and I left. Now, she was pulling me back in, and I didn't know if I wanted to resist it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
no title. wrote it for a contest.
Jamie Lewis was the strongest woman I knew. I was inspired by her. She always kept her head up in even the worst of situations. Jamie gave birth to me at the ripe age of 21, fresh out of college and scared to death of what was in store for her. My father had joined the army and, eventually, "found someone else" somewhere down the line. My grandparents lived in another state. She was practically alone. She raised me, regardless, and managed to keep her sanity, as well as maintain a productive career.
When I was a baby, she bought a small snow globe that would play The Wind Beneath my Wings when wound up. She’d told me that it helped her put me to sleep when I was a baby. As a child, I never paid much attention to the snow globe. It was always there, just a piece of decoration that I never thought would ever go away. I never fully appreciated its significance. One day, years later, my baby brother, being the curious kid that he was, found himself playing with the snow globe. I thought nothing of it until he dropped it. To my surprise, I cried as I watched its contents spill onto the floor. I picked up the small pieces and wound it up one last time, hoping the song would still play. When it didn’t, it felt like the end of the world. I didn’t quite know why, but it felt like something important had been snatched from me suddenly, and I didn’t know what to do but shed a tear.
We spent years trying to find a replacement for the snow globe, but nothing was the same. As all that time went on, the strong woman that was my mother was growing weak. When we found out she had cancer, it felt like the wind was being snatched from beneath my wings. She spent days at a time in the hospital. It frightened me to see her lying there, defenseless and frail. I couldn’t handle being in the same room with her for too long, afraid that I would break down and let loose the emotions I had taught myself to hold on to. I felt like I had to be strong in front of her, to let her know that everything she taught me about strength hadn’t gone to waste. Her last night, I stayed awake for hours, overcoming my fears and spending the night in that hospital room. That last night, I couldn’t hold on to my sorrow anymore, and I cried as I stroked my mother’s soft brown hair, softly singing The Wind Beneath My Wings until she closed her eyes, finally at rest.
When I was a baby, she bought a small snow globe that would play The Wind Beneath my Wings when wound up. She’d told me that it helped her put me to sleep when I was a baby. As a child, I never paid much attention to the snow globe. It was always there, just a piece of decoration that I never thought would ever go away. I never fully appreciated its significance. One day, years later, my baby brother, being the curious kid that he was, found himself playing with the snow globe. I thought nothing of it until he dropped it. To my surprise, I cried as I watched its contents spill onto the floor. I picked up the small pieces and wound it up one last time, hoping the song would still play. When it didn’t, it felt like the end of the world. I didn’t quite know why, but it felt like something important had been snatched from me suddenly, and I didn’t know what to do but shed a tear.
We spent years trying to find a replacement for the snow globe, but nothing was the same. As all that time went on, the strong woman that was my mother was growing weak. When we found out she had cancer, it felt like the wind was being snatched from beneath my wings. She spent days at a time in the hospital. It frightened me to see her lying there, defenseless and frail. I couldn’t handle being in the same room with her for too long, afraid that I would break down and let loose the emotions I had taught myself to hold on to. I felt like I had to be strong in front of her, to let her know that everything she taught me about strength hadn’t gone to waste. Her last night, I stayed awake for hours, overcoming my fears and spending the night in that hospital room. That last night, I couldn’t hold on to my sorrow anymore, and I cried as I stroked my mother’s soft brown hair, softly singing The Wind Beneath My Wings until she closed her eyes, finally at rest.
untitled spiritual. [old and for a class.]
you know how you write something you think is just the hottest thing on the planet, and then you go back and read it, and you dont like it anymore?? yeeeaaahhh... lol lemme know what you think.. i need as much feedback as possible..gotta turn this in for afro american lit.
The heaven I see when I close my eyes
Is the heaven that lies right past the sunrise
I awaken; I find my lack of a prize
And wipe my starry eyes.
My heaven is a state of mind.
The door was opened for us all
But we can’t walk through at once.
It doesn’t mean you have to stay behind.
Just take your time.
Find your state of mind.
Lost inside a rhyme,
In search of that next dime,
You won’t open your eyes
Or look for that sunrise
But you’re quick to complain about the dark.
I’ve been knocked down from day to day
I feign a smile, go on my merry way.
Pay no regard to the things people say
Because who I am today
Is led by the light of that day.
The day some young soldiers won’t get to see
Is the day that’s waiting for you and me.
We just have to walk through that door
And know what we’re looking for.
We can’t keep waiting around anymore.
The heaven I see when I close my eyes
Is the heaven that lies right past the sunrise
I awaken; I find my lack of a prize
And wipe my starry eyes.
My heaven is a state of mind.
The door was opened for us all
But we can’t walk through at once.
It doesn’t mean you have to stay behind.
Just take your time.
Find your state of mind.
Lost inside a rhyme,
In search of that next dime,
You won’t open your eyes
Or look for that sunrise
But you’re quick to complain about the dark.
I’ve been knocked down from day to day
I feign a smile, go on my merry way.
Pay no regard to the things people say
Because who I am today
Is led by the light of that day.
The day some young soldiers won’t get to see
Is the day that’s waiting for you and me.
We just have to walk through that door
And know what we’re looking for.
We can’t keep waiting around anymore.
sooner than later [old stuff]
i hate it...
i can't stand it...
and it's a lot harder than it should be.
just yesterday i was convinced i was finished.
and then, i hear this song,
another one of those songs that i wish you would sing to me
but you never do..
one of those songs with an apology
or an excuse, a reason
for him to act the way he does
do the stuff he did.
but you never sing those songs to me.
"you dont need no one else...
every chance i get to make it better
I just find a way to let it go..."
i hate this...
can't stand it...
i don't need this.
now, of all times, isn't when i need to be worrying about you.
i can smile to myself
and say i'm free, happy.
but the truth is
i still dream about you
i'm always thinking about you
i miss you.
and i'll never understand it.
and what's worse is you don't know
don't care
don't even seem to remember what it was like before.
i realize that,
but can't seem to move past it.
"you don't need no one else...
you just changed your hair and it looks perfect,
wish i was the first to let you know..."
i hate it..
can't stand this
constant need for your attention,
that, in the long run, i know i'm not about to get.
so why am i so hung up
when all i can expect is to be let down?
"you don't need no one else...
i realized i waited too long,
but, please don't move on..."
honestly
i have no clue what to do.
i can't stand it...
and it's a lot harder than it should be.
just yesterday i was convinced i was finished.
and then, i hear this song,
another one of those songs that i wish you would sing to me
but you never do..
one of those songs with an apology
or an excuse, a reason
for him to act the way he does
do the stuff he did.
but you never sing those songs to me.
"you dont need no one else...
every chance i get to make it better
I just find a way to let it go..."
i hate this...
can't stand it...
i don't need this.
now, of all times, isn't when i need to be worrying about you.
i can smile to myself
and say i'm free, happy.
but the truth is
i still dream about you
i'm always thinking about you
i miss you.
and i'll never understand it.
and what's worse is you don't know
don't care
don't even seem to remember what it was like before.
i realize that,
but can't seem to move past it.
"you don't need no one else...
you just changed your hair and it looks perfect,
wish i was the first to let you know..."
i hate it..
can't stand this
constant need for your attention,
that, in the long run, i know i'm not about to get.
so why am i so hung up
when all i can expect is to be let down?
"you don't need no one else...
i realized i waited too long,
but, please don't move on..."
honestly
i have no clue what to do.
idk...
all the pretty girls
in all their pretty gold
dance in the light
addicted to the night
cryptic parts of speech
hanging from my tongue
asleep on the beach
i missed all the fun.
i may have his arm
but they have his eye,
and when i get it back
i realize i never lost it...
out of my head
the rest you can guess
back to bed
he says i'm the best
never seen a sun so green
a glare so bright
it's all in my head
it's not worth the fight.
silver slumbers
burn when they sit still
they'd be put in motion
if it wasn't for the rain
tantilizing numbers
it hurts to feel
i bleed emotion
bathing in pain
in all their pretty gold
dance in the light
addicted to the night
cryptic parts of speech
hanging from my tongue
asleep on the beach
i missed all the fun.
i may have his arm
but they have his eye,
and when i get it back
i realize i never lost it...
out of my head
the rest you can guess
back to bed
he says i'm the best
never seen a sun so green
a glare so bright
it's all in my head
it's not worth the fight.
silver slumbers
burn when they sit still
they'd be put in motion
if it wasn't for the rain
tantilizing numbers
it hurts to feel
i bleed emotion
bathing in pain
Sleep All Day, Try All Night
i've been trying to love you better
but i don't know what it is i have to do
i already give it everything i have
and i don't know if it's enough for you
no need to worry about me
i know i'll get along somehow
but here i am, afraid again
of anything confusion can do
i spend a whole day waiting
and i don't know what it is i'm waiting for
but it's draining me dry
where do all the hours go
when the birds start talking to me
and i don't know why
did i miss a thing or am i overthinking?
up all night, and i haven't been drinking
i don't want you to tell me a thing
cuz i'm afraid of how you really might see me
am i as beautiful as i really seem
watching the raindrops fall from my hair
i'd watch myself bleed if i thought there was a point
nothing to be afraid of, i promise
i just don't know where i am sometimes
and every day finds its way
into another empty corner of my heart
i'm falling apart
and i never knew i could miss you this much
how i need that touch…
but i don't know what it is i have to do
i already give it everything i have
and i don't know if it's enough for you
no need to worry about me
i know i'll get along somehow
but here i am, afraid again
of anything confusion can do
i spend a whole day waiting
and i don't know what it is i'm waiting for
but it's draining me dry
where do all the hours go
when the birds start talking to me
and i don't know why
did i miss a thing or am i overthinking?
up all night, and i haven't been drinking
i don't want you to tell me a thing
cuz i'm afraid of how you really might see me
am i as beautiful as i really seem
watching the raindrops fall from my hair
i'd watch myself bleed if i thought there was a point
nothing to be afraid of, i promise
i just don't know where i am sometimes
and every day finds its way
into another empty corner of my heart
i'm falling apart
and i never knew i could miss you this much
how i need that touch…
Thursday, October 28, 2010
timeline
what am i supposed to do when i can't make sense of the feeling of never wanting to go a day without you
how am i supposed to breathe when you're not here and i can't take the air of anyone but you
what am i supposed to say when i'm living day to day without the feel of your skin against mine
i hate to say it, i really hate to see it, but i know it, and i'm really in it this time
but the stars keep saying not to trust it
they keep telling me you won't stay around
and i don't want to ask if you'll prove them all wrong
out of fear you might let me down
but part of it is trusting that you won't let me fall,
putting it all into your hands
and trusting you won't take it all
and drop me off where i was forced to stand,
all alone,
in the place i'm afraid of,
and go off to find something new.
what would i do
if i ever had to say goodbye to you
this is the kind of thing that would make me want to burn the pictures at the end
but who's to say when the end is supposed to be
i could never be just one, it's all or nothing
and i hope to high heaven you'll never forget me
it would hurt too much to think on what i can't have
so i would hate to remember the good times
i could never fully let go of what's mine
so i'd have to remove you completely from the timeline
somehow you think i'm still perfect
after all the times i made you mad
and after those few times you made me cry
you're still the best thing i've ever had
i hate to hear the cliches and all the lines
but for some reason they all make sense
i had to give you a reason to smile
and it's been blissful ever since
this is the kind of thing that would make me want to burn the pictures at the end
but who's to say when the end is supposed to be
i'm just holding on for as long as i can
and praying you never let go of me
how am i supposed to breathe when you're not here and i can't take the air of anyone but you
what am i supposed to say when i'm living day to day without the feel of your skin against mine
i hate to say it, i really hate to see it, but i know it, and i'm really in it this time
but the stars keep saying not to trust it
they keep telling me you won't stay around
and i don't want to ask if you'll prove them all wrong
out of fear you might let me down
but part of it is trusting that you won't let me fall,
putting it all into your hands
and trusting you won't take it all
and drop me off where i was forced to stand,
all alone,
in the place i'm afraid of,
and go off to find something new.
what would i do
if i ever had to say goodbye to you
this is the kind of thing that would make me want to burn the pictures at the end
but who's to say when the end is supposed to be
i could never be just one, it's all or nothing
and i hope to high heaven you'll never forget me
it would hurt too much to think on what i can't have
so i would hate to remember the good times
i could never fully let go of what's mine
so i'd have to remove you completely from the timeline
somehow you think i'm still perfect
after all the times i made you mad
and after those few times you made me cry
you're still the best thing i've ever had
i hate to hear the cliches and all the lines
but for some reason they all make sense
i had to give you a reason to smile
and it's been blissful ever since
this is the kind of thing that would make me want to burn the pictures at the end
but who's to say when the end is supposed to be
i'm just holding on for as long as i can
and praying you never let go of me
hella unfinished...
[i started writing this a couple months ago and never finished it. i like it so far, though.]
This is me
Thanking you for all the time you gave to me
The party’s almost over
And I wish you could come home with me
I can’t look out the window, it’s too close to tomorrow
The more I think about it, the more I reek of sorrow
It’s all too much, it almost hurts
It’s worse than I imagined.
I’m losing it, this is a first
But leaving has to happen.
I’m afraid I have to walk away
I wish I had some time to stay
But don’t you think I’m gonna get away
Before I say all that I have to say
I promise you’ll see me again
Nothing’s coming to an end
Remember all the time we spent
And be ready for what we have to spend.
Don't worry about me
As long as I don't look you in the eye
I'll be fine
This is me
Thanking you for all the time you gave to me
The party’s almost over
And I wish you could come home with me
I can’t look out the window, it’s too close to tomorrow
The more I think about it, the more I reek of sorrow
It’s all too much, it almost hurts
It’s worse than I imagined.
I’m losing it, this is a first
But leaving has to happen.
I’m afraid I have to walk away
I wish I had some time to stay
But don’t you think I’m gonna get away
Before I say all that I have to say
I promise you’ll see me again
Nothing’s coming to an end
Remember all the time we spent
And be ready for what we have to spend.
Don't worry about me
As long as I don't look you in the eye
I'll be fine
for a while
haven't posted anything in a long time, yo... alright, first song in like forever. enjoy.
a mistake never looked so good
skip the guilt, i lack regret
an exchange of words stop short of your lips
in an attempt to forget
i can't win this race against my thoughts
they take shortcuts, don't look back
and as time goes on they'll lose the lead
and i'll pick up the slack
before that day inside my house
i knew it'd never be
until you called me up one day
to spend some time with me
in disbelief until you arrived
everything turned to blur
months of anticipation equaled nothing
things went back to how they were
but only for a while.
this is a letter i'm writing to you
to tell you, you made a dream come true
but the possible happily ever after
we never got the chance to persue
what makes it so bad is that we're okay
and haven't spoken a word to this day
but i still think about that day
i never knew i could feel that way
but only for a while.
i shiver, i tremble
a closeness i never knew to exist
the warmth was broken
when we didn't even share a kiss
i couldn't look you in the eye
for fear none of it was real
but the sun shone brighter on my bed
i had the chance to have your appeal
but only for a little while.
this is a letter i'm writing to you
to tell you, you made a dream come true
but the possible happily ever after
we never got the chance to persue
what makes it so bad is that we're okay
and haven't spoken a word to this day
but i still think about that day
i never knew i could feel that way
but only for a while.
feels like the world should explode
when we stand here, face to face again
quite honestly, don't know what to do
when i hear you speak my name again
they would never approve otherwise
if we brought this up again
but when you look at me that way
it just might happen once again..
i'll have you in my world again
but only for a while.
a mistake never looked so good
skip the guilt, i lack regret
an exchange of words stop short of your lips
in an attempt to forget
i can't win this race against my thoughts
they take shortcuts, don't look back
and as time goes on they'll lose the lead
and i'll pick up the slack
before that day inside my house
i knew it'd never be
until you called me up one day
to spend some time with me
in disbelief until you arrived
everything turned to blur
months of anticipation equaled nothing
things went back to how they were
but only for a while.
this is a letter i'm writing to you
to tell you, you made a dream come true
but the possible happily ever after
we never got the chance to persue
what makes it so bad is that we're okay
and haven't spoken a word to this day
but i still think about that day
i never knew i could feel that way
but only for a while.
i shiver, i tremble
a closeness i never knew to exist
the warmth was broken
when we didn't even share a kiss
i couldn't look you in the eye
for fear none of it was real
but the sun shone brighter on my bed
i had the chance to have your appeal
but only for a little while.
this is a letter i'm writing to you
to tell you, you made a dream come true
but the possible happily ever after
we never got the chance to persue
what makes it so bad is that we're okay
and haven't spoken a word to this day
but i still think about that day
i never knew i could feel that way
but only for a while.
feels like the world should explode
when we stand here, face to face again
quite honestly, don't know what to do
when i hear you speak my name again
they would never approve otherwise
if we brought this up again
but when you look at me that way
it just might happen once again..
i'll have you in my world again
but only for a while.
#24--Heaven
Say good night
To a place where mistakes are forgiven
To people that accept
To no confusion, only compassion
To beauty
And smile.
Until you say good morning
To judgment
To heartache
To deceit
To unattractive hatred
And sigh.
Only in a place called heaven.
To a place where mistakes are forgiven
To people that accept
To no confusion, only compassion
To beauty
And smile.
Until you say good morning
To judgment
To heartache
To deceit
To unattractive hatred
And sigh.
Only in a place called heaven.
#23 [old stuff]--Ism
i'm full of my
people-who-surround-me-suffocate-me-with-this-stress-distress-all-in-my-chest-and-make-me-feel-like-second-best-constant-pain-in-my-head-constant-pain-in-my-ass-break-my-heart-made-of-glass...ism
get off your
people-who-can-make-it-if-they-try-got-big-dreams-never-say-die-just-to-make-it-and-you're-breaking-cuz-you-didnt-even-try-got-you-mad-cuz-you-dont-have-big-things-that-you-dont-need-so-you-can't-be...ism
take a hit of this
people-tearing-people-down-killing-folks-and-wearin-people-out-makin-mama-sick-and-daddy-dont-come-home-too-quick-take-the-money-get-you-high-really-dont-care-when-you-die-kill-your-heart-and-take-your-soul...ism
we see this
people-that-dont-give-a-damn-wont-let-me-be-who-i-am-say-we-gotta-be-like-this-conform-or-we-cant-get-our-shit-overworking-lying-keeps-the-people-up-at-night-got-our-families-dying-overseas-though-we-dont-need-to-fight-tell-the-women-read-these-books-then-have-these-babies-clean-and-cook-we-dont-know-where-your-daddy-is-and-dont-know-where-to-look-let's-diagnose-the-world-with-this-and-that-feed-our-kids-til-they-get-fat-fuck-these-bitches-break-they-backs-we're-not-racist-we're-just-mad-scratch-that-good-shit-let's-be-"bad"-thought-i-loved-you?-oops-my-bad...ism
people-who-surround-me-suffocate-me-with-this-stress-distress-all-in-my-chest-and-make-me-feel-like-second-best-constant-pain-in-my-head-constant-pain-in-my-ass-break-my-heart-made-of-glass...ism
get off your
people-who-can-make-it-if-they-try-got-big-dreams-never-say-die-just-to-make-it-and-you're-breaking-cuz-you-didnt-even-try-got-you-mad-cuz-you-dont-have-big-things-that-you-dont-need-so-you-can't-be...ism
take a hit of this
people-tearing-people-down-killing-folks-and-wearin-people-out-makin-mama-sick-and-daddy-dont-come-home-too-quick-take-the-money-get-you-high-really-dont-care-when-you-die-kill-your-heart-and-take-your-soul...ism
we see this
people-that-dont-give-a-damn-wont-let-me-be-who-i-am-say-we-gotta-be-like-this-conform-or-we-cant-get-our-shit-overworking-lying-keeps-the-people-up-at-night-got-our-families-dying-overseas-though-we-dont-need-to-fight-tell-the-women-read-these-books-then-have-these-babies-clean-and-cook-we-dont-know-where-your-daddy-is-and-dont-know-where-to-look-let's-diagnose-the-world-with-this-and-that-feed-our-kids-til-they-get-fat-fuck-these-bitches-break-they-backs-we're-not-racist-we're-just-mad-scratch-that-good-shit-let's-be-"bad"-thought-i-loved-you?-oops-my-bad...ism
#21 [old stuff]-- Trains
call me selfish but i want it all
i felt high, when i knew that i was bound to fall
i wanna cry about it, but i'm not sad at all
too many times i changed my mind and i dropped the ball
i think i'm kinda closed-minded in the scheme of things
better off without it, but i waited for all kinds of things
wanted what i wanted when i wanted it, the kind of thing
makes a girl smile when the world starts crumbling
but where was all of that when i needed it
your seat was taken by somebody that i really needed
face facts, fuck "fair" i'm gettin impatient
i want something else, can i be any more blatant
it irks my soul to feel like this
but i've been chasing pavements, running circles ever since
what i once almost had really aint that bad
but you're standing in the way of me trynna get it back
i felt high, when i knew that i was bound to fall
i wanna cry about it, but i'm not sad at all
too many times i changed my mind and i dropped the ball
i think i'm kinda closed-minded in the scheme of things
better off without it, but i waited for all kinds of things
wanted what i wanted when i wanted it, the kind of thing
makes a girl smile when the world starts crumbling
but where was all of that when i needed it
your seat was taken by somebody that i really needed
face facts, fuck "fair" i'm gettin impatient
i want something else, can i be any more blatant
it irks my soul to feel like this
but i've been chasing pavements, running circles ever since
what i once almost had really aint that bad
but you're standing in the way of me trynna get it back
#19--?uestions pt. II
Can I be
Sad, hurt, bothered, and confused?
Or, since I’m growing up
Do I have to be
A more content me?
What more can i do
To get you're attention?
Cuz I’ve been going about it all wrong.
I look anything but strong,
Because I’m weak in the knees.
I can hardly speak.
Head far from my shoulders.
Is this really what i seek?
If this is how it should be
Why does it feel so
Wrong?
I listen to the same two songs,
One
It's all about you and me,
How it used to be,
When I first went flying,
Just because you smiled at me
Two
I relate to the story.
I’m not the only one confused.
One minute it's yes, the next
"I don't know"
So now where does it go?
And what hurts the most
Is that you're not phased easily.
I can't tell what your mind
Is trying to communicate to me.
And
At this point
I’m beginning not to care myself.
Sad, hurt, bothered, and confused?
Or, since I’m growing up
Do I have to be
A more content me?
What more can i do
To get you're attention?
Cuz I’ve been going about it all wrong.
I look anything but strong,
Because I’m weak in the knees.
I can hardly speak.
Head far from my shoulders.
Is this really what i seek?
If this is how it should be
Why does it feel so
Wrong?
I listen to the same two songs,
One
It's all about you and me,
How it used to be,
When I first went flying,
Just because you smiled at me
Two
I relate to the story.
I’m not the only one confused.
One minute it's yes, the next
"I don't know"
So now where does it go?
And what hurts the most
Is that you're not phased easily.
I can't tell what your mind
Is trying to communicate to me.
And
At this point
I’m beginning not to care myself.
#18--Story of Moving Refelctions (The Escape)
It’s like a constant battle,
Some kind of competition that I’m having with myself,
I might need some help.
Make it go away.
Sleep doesn’t make it any better.
I just dream about it;
I’m in a room full of mirrors,
And I can’t find the door,
So I’m forced to watch myself at every angle,
Some angles better than others.
Some reflections start to smile at me
A few give a devious glare
Some sit and hang their head
And I haven’t moved.
But I’m not afraid of my moving reflections.
Calmly searching for an exit,
Taking my time,
I see more of the reflections taking a seat,
Hanging their heads.
A few of them begin to bang on the mirrors.
Trapped and frustrated.
Then, I start to feel a hint of fear,
Unsure of what these reflections are capable of.
I frantically search for an escape
Which makes my head spin.
I look at all the reflections
And they all scream and bang
Or sit and weep.
Except one reflection.
It was smiling, laughing.
It showed me the door,
The escape.
The one that smiled knew the way out.
Some kind of competition that I’m having with myself,
I might need some help.
Make it go away.
Sleep doesn’t make it any better.
I just dream about it;
I’m in a room full of mirrors,
And I can’t find the door,
So I’m forced to watch myself at every angle,
Some angles better than others.
Some reflections start to smile at me
A few give a devious glare
Some sit and hang their head
And I haven’t moved.
But I’m not afraid of my moving reflections.
Calmly searching for an exit,
Taking my time,
I see more of the reflections taking a seat,
Hanging their heads.
A few of them begin to bang on the mirrors.
Trapped and frustrated.
Then, I start to feel a hint of fear,
Unsure of what these reflections are capable of.
I frantically search for an escape
Which makes my head spin.
I look at all the reflections
And they all scream and bang
Or sit and weep.
Except one reflection.
It was smiling, laughing.
It showed me the door,
The escape.
The one that smiled knew the way out.
#17--My Hero
Where is the friendly, neighborhood
Super power
When you really need him.
If I woulda known
I woulda
Clocked a criminal
Thrown a thief
By my damn self.
But instead
He takes his time.
Victims growing more helpless by the second.
By the time you turn the corner
I’ve been shot down
And there was
Nothing you could do.
You seem to lack a conscience
So it doesn’t phase you
When I come back to haunt you.
It doesn’t phase you
When you bash my brother across the head because
He was unruly
It was in self defense.
And they let you get away
Every time.
Super power
When you really need him.
If I woulda known
I woulda
Clocked a criminal
Thrown a thief
By my damn self.
But instead
He takes his time.
Victims growing more helpless by the second.
By the time you turn the corner
I’ve been shot down
And there was
Nothing you could do.
You seem to lack a conscience
So it doesn’t phase you
When I come back to haunt you.
It doesn’t phase you
When you bash my brother across the head because
He was unruly
It was in self defense.
And they let you get away
Every time.
#16--Tangents
I thought I made it clear
The moon is so bright
If only…
He was standing right here
Could I take flight?
I don’t know me.
That’s what I feared.
Losing mind and sight.
I don’t want to see.
These things can never be clear
Such a beautiful night
How did I come to be?
I want him here.
I love the night.
I’ve lost me.
Stop holding him dear.
Don’t put up a fight.
You’re going crazy.
The moon is so bright
If only…
He was standing right here
Could I take flight?
I don’t know me.
That’s what I feared.
Losing mind and sight.
I don’t want to see.
These things can never be clear
Such a beautiful night
How did I come to be?
I want him here.
I love the night.
I’ve lost me.
Stop holding him dear.
Don’t put up a fight.
You’re going crazy.
#15--She
Years upon years of ignorance
Naïve little girl thinks she understands the world.
Words can’t express
Just how rude the awakening awaiting her
Could be.
More cruel than rude.
She realizes all too late
She knows nothing.
She sits in her room,
Listening to the cars driving by,
The cool night
The street lights.
Tries to bring herself to forgive herself.
But this is how it goes.
Right?
This is how people live,
It’s the way life goes.
But ask her if she’s alright.
Naïve little girl thinks she understands the world.
Words can’t express
Just how rude the awakening awaiting her
Could be.
More cruel than rude.
She realizes all too late
She knows nothing.
She sits in her room,
Listening to the cars driving by,
The cool night
The street lights.
Tries to bring herself to forgive herself.
But this is how it goes.
Right?
This is how people live,
It’s the way life goes.
But ask her if she’s alright.
#14--Defenseless
So what is the real reason?
Because, as far as I’m concerned
Human nature is no longer
The answer
That I can accept.
I can’t except
How you left her alone
Defenseless
Misery next door.
Her tragic mask of a smile
Beginning to crack
Break.
And what was once home
Has lost it’s heart
Among other things.
All we do is disbelieve
Shake our heads
So why do you do us this way?
Why is it
This way?
Because, as far as I’m concerned
Human nature is no longer
The answer
That I can accept.
I can’t except
How you left her alone
Defenseless
Misery next door.
Her tragic mask of a smile
Beginning to crack
Break.
And what was once home
Has lost it’s heart
Among other things.
All we do is disbelieve
Shake our heads
So why do you do us this way?
Why is it
This way?
#13--Dessert
Take a slice of karma
Put it on a plate.
If the taste is wrong
Blame it on the folks you hate.
These people, after all
Lead you to your mistakes.
Take a spoonful of regret
Swallow it down quick.
It might be hard to forget
But, that’s what you get.
You admit it was all wrong
But this is what you get.
Take a cup of fear
With some sorrow on the top.
Think of every second
That you told yourself
“Stop”
What happens next is puzzling.
It hurts too much to think.
What you used to be in their eyes
Was gone, quick as a blink.
So now you’ve trouble sleeping,
Nighttime burdens your mind.
For fear the morning keeps
Something you won’t want to find.
Put it on a plate.
If the taste is wrong
Blame it on the folks you hate.
These people, after all
Lead you to your mistakes.
Take a spoonful of regret
Swallow it down quick.
It might be hard to forget
But, that’s what you get.
You admit it was all wrong
But this is what you get.
Take a cup of fear
With some sorrow on the top.
Think of every second
That you told yourself
“Stop”
What happens next is puzzling.
It hurts too much to think.
What you used to be in their eyes
Was gone, quick as a blink.
So now you’ve trouble sleeping,
Nighttime burdens your mind.
For fear the morning keeps
Something you won’t want to find.
#12--Take it Down
I don’t know what to say
Anymore.
In the back of my mind
You’ll always be the one
That I adore.
Even though in my heart
I know you could have been
So much more.
I keep staring at your picture
That I keep
On my door.
And I can’t seem to take it down.
How did you do it?
How did you
Make me fall.
I promised myself I’d never
Want to feel like this again.
Not at all.
But the promises you made me
Diminished the fear, and I
Forgot it all.
And now you’re walking away
But what’s left is posted all over
My heart’s wall.
And I can’t seem to take it down.
Anymore.
In the back of my mind
You’ll always be the one
That I adore.
Even though in my heart
I know you could have been
So much more.
I keep staring at your picture
That I keep
On my door.
And I can’t seem to take it down.
How did you do it?
How did you
Make me fall.
I promised myself I’d never
Want to feel like this again.
Not at all.
But the promises you made me
Diminished the fear, and I
Forgot it all.
And now you’re walking away
But what’s left is posted all over
My heart’s wall.
And I can’t seem to take it down.
#11--Sunshower
Let this be a lesson
A prime example, if you will
Of how there’s always something worth waiting for
Past the cloud cover.
Pardon me if it gets too hokey
But there’s something about it.
Some say it’s a sign of the power
Of a shared love
But who am I to know for sure.
All I know is the soft patter of rain
And the warm glow of the setting sun
And the way it touches me.
I let it fall over me.
A prime example, if you will
Of how there’s always something worth waiting for
Past the cloud cover.
Pardon me if it gets too hokey
But there’s something about it.
Some say it’s a sign of the power
Of a shared love
But who am I to know for sure.
All I know is the soft patter of rain
And the warm glow of the setting sun
And the way it touches me.
I let it fall over me.
#10--Subliminal
Instead of
Letting it all go
Or forgetting the past year or so
Varieties of emotions tell me
Everything meant something
You said some things
Only to deepen the confusion; I don’t
Understand where this is trying to go
Make sense of it all
And tell me what you really feel
Really, truly feel
Cuz it gets harder from day to day
Under the impression that there’s something about you
So let it be true
Letting it all go
Or forgetting the past year or so
Varieties of emotions tell me
Everything meant something
You said some things
Only to deepen the confusion; I don’t
Understand where this is trying to go
Make sense of it all
And tell me what you really feel
Really, truly feel
Cuz it gets harder from day to day
Under the impression that there’s something about you
So let it be true
#9--Maybe
Maybe
This is a bad time.
Maybe
I want
Need
Something more.
Maybe
You can’t be that.
Doesn’t upset me much.
But I have to wonder
Why I let you in
Why I ever opened the door.
Maybe
There is a reason.
But I couldn’t kiss you.
I couldn’t look you in the eye.
Afraid,
Maybe..
But it was amazing.
You took me places
And I forgot about everything else.
Maybe
I kept a silent prayer
Unbeknownst to even myself
That this would make something happen.
This is a bad time.
Maybe
I want
Need
Something more.
Maybe
You can’t be that.
Doesn’t upset me much.
But I have to wonder
Why I let you in
Why I ever opened the door.
Maybe
There is a reason.
But I couldn’t kiss you.
I couldn’t look you in the eye.
Afraid,
Maybe..
But it was amazing.
You took me places
And I forgot about everything else.
Maybe
I kept a silent prayer
Unbeknownst to even myself
That this would make something happen.
#8--"Like a Feather"
I shoot lyrical bullets,
Just to get through my day to day.
Grip the trigger and pull it.
And it’s amazing,
What a difference the words can make.
I regain an ounce of sanity,
By maintaining this piece of me.
Where will it take me?
The fun is in figuring it out.
Gives me an excuse to shout.
Make no mistakes,
Have no regrets,
But think of what could be different
Tomorrow,
What could be better,
Tomorrow.
Sing a song of tomorrow,
And the way I see it.
Grab a mic
Don’t be afraid to use it.
Just to get through my day to day.
Grip the trigger and pull it.
And it’s amazing,
What a difference the words can make.
I regain an ounce of sanity,
By maintaining this piece of me.
Where will it take me?
The fun is in figuring it out.
Gives me an excuse to shout.
Make no mistakes,
Have no regrets,
But think of what could be different
Tomorrow,
What could be better,
Tomorrow.
Sing a song of tomorrow,
And the way I see it.
Grab a mic
Don’t be afraid to use it.
#7--Your Song
There’s never been a time when I never really thought of you
There’s never been a moment that I didn’t share with you
I’m picking up the pieces
And it’s hard to put back together again.
My lovely ray of sunshine, in an instant, turned to rain
How much do I hope that this is just a game
And you’ll come back to me
Cuz that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
You should be here
Instead of him.
You would have stayed a while
And been right back again.
So why don’t you
Why don’t you stay a while
Why don’t you come back again
Again.
Don’t want to take it
No, I can’t take it
But I hold my head high
And try hard to fake it.
I more or less enjoyed you
Kinda sorta loved you
It’s tearing me up
Cuz I want you to see that it’s you
And it’s always been you..
There’s never been a moment that I didn’t share with you
I’m picking up the pieces
And it’s hard to put back together again.
My lovely ray of sunshine, in an instant, turned to rain
How much do I hope that this is just a game
And you’ll come back to me
Cuz that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
You should be here
Instead of him.
You would have stayed a while
And been right back again.
So why don’t you
Why don’t you stay a while
Why don’t you come back again
Again.
Don’t want to take it
No, I can’t take it
But I hold my head high
And try hard to fake it.
I more or less enjoyed you
Kinda sorta loved you
It’s tearing me up
Cuz I want you to see that it’s you
And it’s always been you..
#6--Mirrors
All the words are there
But I didn’t mean to run you away
What with keeping them to myself.
I looke at myself
And I see you.
I try to block out
The other faces I should see
And all I see is you.
Smiling at me
Because I drew you a picture
I wrote you a song.
I try
But it doesn’t seem to be enough.
Sorry to let you down.
It’s hard to keep up with myself.
And you’re always the good advice
That I don’t take.
Which is possibly why
I feel as low as I do today.
So I’m sorry.
Take this picture
And hang it on your wall.
Take every song
And sing them to the world.
Just lift my spirits a bit.
But I didn’t mean to run you away
What with keeping them to myself.
I looke at myself
And I see you.
I try to block out
The other faces I should see
And all I see is you.
Smiling at me
Because I drew you a picture
I wrote you a song.
I try
But it doesn’t seem to be enough.
Sorry to let you down.
It’s hard to keep up with myself.
And you’re always the good advice
That I don’t take.
Which is possibly why
I feel as low as I do today.
So I’m sorry.
Take this picture
And hang it on your wall.
Take every song
And sing them to the world.
Just lift my spirits a bit.
#5--Long Gone
The music stopped playing.
I lost it.
Won’t be right again until I find it.
Rewind it.
Take it back to the first time.
Couldn’t help but smile
When I first saw you.
And I
Want to feel like you’re still there.
But I
May have to let it go.
Or I
Could make the best of it
Hold on to what’s left of it
Cherish the rest of it.
I admit
It would be easier to find something new.
But I’m stuck on you.
And it’s not the same
When I walk down the street.
I can’t choose my beat.
This love affair,
Tragic as it may have been,
Could have been my best
Thus far.
I’m sorry it’s come this.
Promise you’ll remember
My kiss.
I lost it.
Won’t be right again until I find it.
Rewind it.
Take it back to the first time.
Couldn’t help but smile
When I first saw you.
And I
Want to feel like you’re still there.
But I
May have to let it go.
Or I
Could make the best of it
Hold on to what’s left of it
Cherish the rest of it.
I admit
It would be easier to find something new.
But I’m stuck on you.
And it’s not the same
When I walk down the street.
I can’t choose my beat.
This love affair,
Tragic as it may have been,
Could have been my best
Thus far.
I’m sorry it’s come this.
Promise you’ll remember
My kiss.
#4--Friday
No job.
Nothing to do.
Where does the fun come in?
Come in…
Undress me with his eyes.
What’s going through his mind..
Let’s talk.
I even cleaned my room.
How awkward
Strange
Close
Will it be?
We’ll see.
I’m such a tease.
What is it that he sees?
We’ll find out soon enough.
Too late to deny the invitation.
And all the while,
You’re still in the back of my mind.
As much as I want to hate you,
You’re right there,
And you won’t go away.
Nothing to do.
Where does the fun come in?
Come in…
Undress me with his eyes.
What’s going through his mind..
Let’s talk.
I even cleaned my room.
How awkward
Strange
Close
Will it be?
We’ll see.
I’m such a tease.
What is it that he sees?
We’ll find out soon enough.
Too late to deny the invitation.
And all the while,
You’re still in the back of my mind.
As much as I want to hate you,
You’re right there,
And you won’t go away.
#3
But I don’t want to let it go.
At least, I didn’t before.
Now, I just don’t know.
But will it still come back to me
Like they keep saying it will?
I keep
Fooling myself into thinking
That all this time was worth anything.
I keep
Trying to push you out of my mind
But everything reminds me of you.
I keep
Hoping
That maybe it’s been me
All this time.
And then you call,
Like it’s all fine.
But I’m amazed you found the time.
It’s getting late.
So go back to
Doing what you do.
And dream about someone else tonight.
Because I can’t even think about you
Anymore..
At least, I didn’t before.
Now, I just don’t know.
But will it still come back to me
Like they keep saying it will?
I keep
Fooling myself into thinking
That all this time was worth anything.
I keep
Trying to push you out of my mind
But everything reminds me of you.
I keep
Hoping
That maybe it’s been me
All this time.
And then you call,
Like it’s all fine.
But I’m amazed you found the time.
It’s getting late.
So go back to
Doing what you do.
And dream about someone else tonight.
Because I can’t even think about you
Anymore..
#2 That's What I Get
I’m slowly but surely
Trying to delete you from my life
But it hurts more than it helps.
And the clock keeps ticking,
And the wind keeps blowing,
And the world keeps spinning
Because I will go on.
Too much time was spent
Missing you
Wanting you
Convinced I was in love with you.
I’ve never felt this sick.
It hurts more than it helps.
I stare, disbelieving.
It’s not me.
It never was.
All I believed,
All I dreamed,
Had to be a lie.
Truly,
But a joke.
Can you bring yourself to care
Just this once?
Because any other time
You’ve hurt more than you’ve helped
Me
To comprehend
Understand
This yearning
That burned me
In the end.
Trying to delete you from my life
But it hurts more than it helps.
And the clock keeps ticking,
And the wind keeps blowing,
And the world keeps spinning
Because I will go on.
Too much time was spent
Missing you
Wanting you
Convinced I was in love with you.
I’ve never felt this sick.
It hurts more than it helps.
I stare, disbelieving.
It’s not me.
It never was.
All I believed,
All I dreamed,
Had to be a lie.
Truly,
But a joke.
Can you bring yourself to care
Just this once?
Because any other time
You’ve hurt more than you’ve helped
Me
To comprehend
Understand
This yearning
That burned me
In the end.
#1--Day 1
Convenience.
This came at the best time.
Through all the bullshit,
I never lost my rhyme.
Only cried for a second,
And then that was that,
This is still this.
Fuck a kiss.
The only thing I'm letting touch my lips is this:
"I'm done."
Turns out you're really not
That "one,"
The "only."
I am not
The one
You can fuck over.
No apologies accepted.
I'm sleeping on it
And waking up
To a brand new best friend.
This came at the best time.
Through all the bullshit,
I never lost my rhyme.
Only cried for a second,
And then that was that,
This is still this.
Fuck a kiss.
The only thing I'm letting touch my lips is this:
"I'm done."
Turns out you're really not
That "one,"
The "only."
I am not
The one
You can fuck over.
No apologies accepted.
I'm sleeping on it
And waking up
To a brand new best friend.
Slight change in plans
Alright, so, here's the skinny. I've decided that this blog will be my general place of creative expression. So, I will share some bits and pieces of Last Summer, but I will also be posting songs, poems, and other stories and original literary works. [Oh, that sounds so legit ^_^] Lol yeah. I will be transfering some old stuff from my other blog [check that out while you're at it :D] and adding new stuff as time progresses. Everything that I post here is my own, original work. MINE. No one else's. I will let it be known if I borrowed anything from anyone else, but, everything will mostly always be my own stuff. I appreciate feedback from the world. I don't mind constructive criticism, as long as it is constructive and not just flat out rude..
Well. I guess that's all, folks. Enjoy! ^_^
Well. I guess that's all, folks. Enjoy! ^_^
Friday, September 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Alrighty...
So, I've come up with an idea for a book. And I've been writing a little bit of it from time to time, and I kinda want to share it with the world. Well, not the entire world... But, yeah.
It's about this girl and this guy, and they've been friends for a long time, but they stop talking for a while until the guy shows up at her door one day looking for a place to stay. The girl has been looking for a roommate for a while to help her with rent, so, she hesitantly decides to let him stay. A few summers later, the guy finds a good job and his own place to stay, which should be a good thing, but the girl realizes she doesn't really want to see him leave. [yes, they have a thing for each other *shrug*] So they spend that summer hanging out a lot and falling deeper in love, blah blah blah [gag] pretty much because she's afraid they won't talk again like before he moved in with her, when they hadn't seen each other for some years.
I'll be posting chapter by chapter. If you wanna keep up, go ahead and follow. It'll be good, I promise.
I'll only take criticism from people who know what they're talking about. Not to be rude, but, if your own grammar isn't up to par or you don't have a lick of creativity in your body, don't come at me.. *thug face* But feedback is definitely welcome ^_^
It's about this girl and this guy, and they've been friends for a long time, but they stop talking for a while until the guy shows up at her door one day looking for a place to stay. The girl has been looking for a roommate for a while to help her with rent, so, she hesitantly decides to let him stay. A few summers later, the guy finds a good job and his own place to stay, which should be a good thing, but the girl realizes she doesn't really want to see him leave. [yes, they have a thing for each other *shrug*] So they spend that summer hanging out a lot and falling deeper in love, blah blah blah [gag] pretty much because she's afraid they won't talk again like before he moved in with her, when they hadn't seen each other for some years.
I'll be posting chapter by chapter. If you wanna keep up, go ahead and follow. It'll be good, I promise.
I'll only take criticism from people who know what they're talking about. Not to be rude, but, if your own grammar isn't up to par or you don't have a lick of creativity in your body, don't come at me.. *thug face* But feedback is definitely welcome ^_^
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